As you may have noticed, my phone rang just as I was wrapping up my last post. It was my mother. She always calls on the landline, which I have absolutely no idea why I still own one… yes I do, my mother won’t call me on my phablet or use FaceTime. She’s one of those whacks who think the government is tracking us and monitoring everything on the cellular network. Read more
I have no clue, but I thought that was a good post title.
Regardless of what my top level informant tells me, I have my suspicions regarding the existence of creatures called Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Skunk Ape, Yei, Almas, what-the-hell-ever.
Many years have I swatted mosquitoes and pinched loafs in the field looking for tracks, listening for wood knocks and sniffing for putrid stinks, other than mine, that are said to accompany these elusive man-beasts. Yet I have found nothing. Nothing!
Scientists have discovered four new craters in the Siberian Yamal Peninsula in northern Russia. The current theory is that methane gas is being released from the thick permafrost, which is melting due to global warming.
Hah! We all know that global warming is a joke, no one is going to make me give up my fucking Bronco!
But back to the story… Read more
I do most of my work, and living, in a small cabin in the woods. That’s the way I like it. The atmosphere is relaxing, serene. No pesky neighbors spying on my, no dogs barking, no traffic noise, sirens or honking. I can do my paranormal research and debunking in peace and quiet. Read more
For best results read this post in the style of the late, great George Carlin.
You know what pisses me off? Well, what really pisses me off is that half of the Triscuits are broken in the box when you open it, but that’s not my issue right now. What almost really pisses me off is stupid people. Read more
I was napping in my comfy chair next to the fireplace, here in my secluded cabin somewhere in the dense wilderness of northwestern PA, and woke abruptly when my smartphone went “b-bloop” on the table beside me.
Glancing across the room I noted the time on my old wall clock, 10:45AM. It was the day after Christmas, and I had been sleeping in my chair all night. That Macallan 18 really worked a number on me. Querying my cell phone I saw that the actual time, according to my service provider, was 10:54AM. Need to correct the old clock, it has always run slow.
An informant had sent me a text message regarding a new Facebook post by Finding Bigfoot, and it was accompanied by the photo above, Cliff Barackman playing marching band concert toms in the woods. My contact works closely with high level officials in a clandestine government agency, and affords me much insight into top secret intel regarding our governments’ involvement with various paranormal and mysterious subject matter.
The message accompanying the photo read, “Get a load of this…”
Despite the multitude of questions and comments one might entertain regarding such an activity — performing drums in a remote wooded area in an effort to inspire communication with alleged, elusive, hairy, upright walking primates — the first one that popped into my head was, “why?”
Short answer? Who the fuck cares?!
Long answer? Dumb activities to increase TV show ratings because, let’s face it, everyone likes to watch a train wreck.
Fictional answer, devised by yours truly:
This is a good one, and I bet there are some people out there who will regard it as maybe not too far from plausible, even though I made it up.
Cliff’s drums are tuned to specific pitches and intervals in order to, when played in the right sequence, trigger the secret code on a hidden door to an underground base where robot Bigfeet are manufactured, stored and periodically released to walk around in the woods to scare people away from the clandestine government agency my covert contact is associated with.
Oh, and regardless of whether or not Bigfoot are real (and you’ll notice that I used the correct plural form), I’m sure the resounding concussion of concert toms through the woods scared the shit out of any creature, real or imagined, within range of the noise!