Drumming for Bigfoot

Cliff Barackman drumming in the woods to find Bigfoot
I was napping in my comfy chair next to the fireplace, here in my secluded cabin somewhere in the dense wilderness of northwestern PA, and woke abruptly when my smartphone went “b-bloop” on the table beside me.

Glancing across the room I noted the time on my old wall clock, 10:45AM. It was the day after Christmas, and I had been sleeping in my chair all night. That Macallan 18 really worked a number on me. Querying my cell phone I saw that the actual time, according to my service provider, was 10:54AM. Need to correct the old clock, it has always run slow.

An informant had sent me a text message regarding a new Facebook post by Finding Bigfoot, and it was accompanied by the photo above, Cliff Barackman playing marching band concert toms in the woods. My contact works closely with high level officials in a clandestine government agency, and affords me much insight into top secret intel regarding our governments’ involvement with various paranormal and mysterious subject matter.

The message accompanying the photo read, “Get a load of this…”

Despite the multitude of questions and comments one might entertain regarding such an activity — performing drums in a remote wooded area in an effort to inspire communication with alleged, elusive, hairy, upright walking primates — the first one that popped into my head was, “why?”

Short answer? Who the fuck cares?!

Long answer? Dumb activities to increase TV show ratings because, let’s face it, everyone likes to watch a train wreck.

Fictional answer, devised by yours truly:
This is a good one, and I bet there are some people out there who will regard it as maybe not too far from plausible, even though I made it up.

Cliff’s drums are tuned to specific pitches and intervals in order to, when played in the right sequence, trigger the secret code on a hidden door to an underground base where robot Bigfeet are manufactured, stored and periodically released to walk around in the woods to scare people away from the clandestine government agency my covert contact is associated with.

Bigfoot Beast from Scooby DooThe agency expected that Scooby and the gang would inevitably show up at some point to uncover their mischievous deeds. Turned out to be Bobo and the boys of Finding Bigfoot.

Oh, and regardless of whether or not Bigfoot are real (and you’ll notice that I used the correct plural form), I’m sure the resounding concussion of concert toms through the woods scared the shit out of any creature, real or imagined, within range of the noise!

Mountain Monsters on Destination America

I don’t always get the greatest cell phone reception up here in the wilderness of northwestern Pennsylvania. The spooky mountains that surround my home may be high, but they are very remote too. Hard put tuning in any decent FM rock stations, the nearest station I get plays country music.

Three cheers for satellite TV and broadband internet! I can stream music from thousands of stations and choose from hundreds of channels on TV. Mostly crap these days with all the stupid reality shows, but there is some good stuff.

I remember the trip home from Walmart with my new TV just the other night. As I drove along the dark roads of this far-removed area I thought how fitting it would be for a Devil Dog or Dogman to leap out at me from the woods beside the road. Active imagination.

mountain_monsters_promoAfter returning home, unpacking and hooking up my new TV, I saw a preview for a new show. Another show about monsters in the woods has found it’s way to televisions across America: Mountain Monsters. I thought, how perfect a show for someone in so remote and woodsy a location. Bring it on!

Ghost and monster shows are a dime a dozen these days. After a lull in this sort of thing following In Search Of… and Arthur C. Clark’s Mysterious World back in the 70s and early 80s — except for one-off episodes on various TV shows throughout the 80s — an interest in the paranormal and mystery monsters has seen a huge resurgence since the mid 90s spurred on by growth of the World Wide Web and perpetuated by an eager audience.

The popularity of ghosts, monsters and mysteries across the web has translated to television. Success of shows like The X-Files has proven that there is a big market for the paranormal, monsters and mystery.

Investigation-style shows abound. Most of them are pretty lame, much the same half-baked treatment of paranormal and ghostly topics which began with Ghost Hunters. Since first airing on October 6 2004, Ghost Hunters has spawned Ghost Hunters International, and through the ensuing years we’ve seen more shows pop up, some short-lived, some achieving some success. You can find paranormal and cryptozoological themes on Animal Planet, A&E, SyFy, Destination America, the History Channel and more.

Shows include Destination Truth (SyFy), Paranormal State (A&E), Paranormal Cops (A&E), Ghost Adventures (Travel Ch.), Most Terrifying Places in America (Travel Ch.), MonsterQuest (History Ch.), Finding Bigfoot (Animal Planet). Matt, Bobo, Cliff and Ranae have had great success with Finding Bigfoot, now starting their fourth season.

At first glance Mountain Monsters may seem to be just another lame knock off with some different cryptids, and hokey personalities, but some viewers have responded favorably. A few posts I’ve read online indicate that in some ways Mountain Monsters is actually more entertaining and better produced than Finding Bigfoot.

My first impression, after seeing that preview, was “Oh boy, here we go again…” But I admit, I have yet to watch my first episode, so I’ll head over to Amazon to check out a few before I cast my vote, and before the next one airs on TV this Saturday. I may chime in again on this show at a later date when I have more information.

UPDATE: The show sucks. Same old nonsense with dudes roaming around in them thar woods looking for monsters. I did that shit when I was 10!